Sometimes We Cry…

I’m having a strange life experience.

I can honestly say I’ve never been happier or more at peace than I am right now. 

Every day some little piece of the puzzle falls in place.

But that’s part of the problem I think.

I have such small wins for the major setbacks that popping up in my life. I’m starting to feel suffocated by my station in life… trapped. As if this were a level on a video game that I just can’t seem to beat.

It hurts. 

My trying feels futile and maybe it is. If there’s some great scheme to the universe that says this only happens then and there, then it’s true I’m just at where I’m at. For woman that preaches about the power being with you and your thoughts and your actions… I feel pretty powerless.

Freelance projects are down.
Facebook continues to suppress my fan reach, even through ads so I’m all but losing my audience.
Instagram too.
Show proposal replies… where art thou?!
Studio requests…. slow….

Hell-bent on being an optimist, I wake up at the crack of dawn, meeting or no meeting, project or no project, client or no client… just to meditate, visualize and manifest.

And I GET PUMPED!

I dream new dreams, I scheme new plans… just to have the hours that come to pass break my dreams in half.

A new roadblock or limitation appears to tell me why I can’t do that or have that.

I get sick.

In fact, there was an entire 2 or 3 week period where I wasn’t holding down food.

I’m gonna level with you guys, I don’t why I’m here and I don’t know where it’s going.

I don’t know what kind of commitments or self-discipline I need to obtain… maybe it’s just patience. But this space feels so lethal.

As a Type A, ENTJ personality, it’s just NOT in blood to just WAIT for things to get better.

I’m in pain because for the first time in my life… I’ve made the plan, laid the strategy, visualized the end result, executed carefully… adapting to any incoming changes… created variations of said plan… A/B tested my LIFE. But I’m just… still here.

I’ve evaluated my “failures”, trying my best to learn from each one. Finding books, and gurus, and Youtube experts, all just to be staring at the same f***ing wall!

Ah.

I see her. The person I could be. The woman I should be. But there’s just this invisible line. And I’ve got a thousand power quotes to get me through it… from the bible to Rumi to Kanye West.

But today, I really just want someone to say… Keturah it’s okay to be sad. I know how that feels. I get that. It’s okay. That does suck. It REALLY sucks.